generic human hero

fangirl anonymous

Le coeur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point. -Blaise Pascal

red card homophobia
This journal is generally open to whomever would like to friend it!

I admit there are some friends only posts, mostly about my personal life and my relationship. Fannish stuff, whether footie or otherwise, is still completely open to whoever would like to read it, though - so feel free to friend me!

Here"s what you"ll find here.Collapse )

I haven't updated in close to two years.
generic human hero
And holy shit, those two years were...transformative.

Florida did not treat me well, after all. I had two jobs I hated, and sacrificed living with my then-partner for them, and regretted that choice and burnt out terribly. Then I lived with my then-partner again, and realized we had both changed deeply, and had stopped knowing how to really communicate to each other how much we had changed.

If you couldn't guess, we then broke up. It's pretty much amicable now, but it took a lot out of me to do.

If you couldn't guess from those last two things, I moved back to New York City. I'm not looking forward to winter here, but I'm reconnecting with old support networks, and the city itself feels wonderful and supportive in a way that's hard to describe, so that's progress. No formal job yet, but a lot of promising leads. We shall see.

I think I'm polyamorous-ish. Open-ish. Capable of loving more than one person, given that they love me back and accept the possibility. I'm still defining love, defining relationship instead of friendship, and having a lot of trouble with that, but that's a work in progress.

I have the possibility of a wonderful, wonderful partner in Boston if his primary will let me in - though that's very doubtful, and the fact that there's doubt there is its own story that I don't think I'll make public just yet. I will say I will hopefully be in Boston in two weeks, meeting said primary, seeing what happens. I am...cautious and scared, but also hopeful.

I have (had?) the possibility of a lovely partner in Pittsburgh, but I think his own mental health is in the way between us and our actually being able to support each other, and that's just tragic for so many reasons.

Beyond ending things in February I've had some other rejections too at varying levels of angst.

I'm slowly opening up to the possibility of directly looking for someone here locally, but it's a process, and the whole "specifically looking for people to date" thing feels so weird to me, after stumbling into all of my relationships so far based on my participation in shared interests. But it would be nice to get affection and intimacy to help me cope with the other things going on in my brain and my life.

Beyond those things, I'm exploring things I love. Livestreaming roguelikes three times a week, volunteering in civic tech activism once a week, talking to friends, drinking good beer, watching good soccer, wandering New York City. We'll see what the future holds.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

florida, she treats me well
generic human hero
i uh may already have a job lined up less than six hours of being here

it pays shit and is far away but it's basically what i do. besides commute time is time to listen to podcasts and by podcasts I mean Welcome to Night Vale

Speaking of which HOLY SHIT GUYS WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE I'M SO OBSESSED. also because Adam is Spanish and a scientist and has perfect hair, I am now fervently looking for any and all East Asian-descent Cecil headcanons. /predictable

I am living with two members of the bropocalypse but they are old enough now to be cool. They have treated me to beer and grouper.

Florida, she treats me well.

change worth believing in
generic human hero
Earlier this year, I had given up on blogging because I had felt nothing had changed in my life ever since my father's accident put it on hold. That is not true, though.

My father has mostly physically healed, though there is still pain and the healing goes slowly. The slowness and the lack of work and the inability to find support and the loss of freedom has wormed its dark, miserable way into his head and it makes me sad. I often have nothing to say to him and I don't know how to start the conversation.

I had picked up fandoms - a new one (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure) that was budding right before the accident and exploded after it, an older-to-me one (Mindcrack) that was finally coming back to the direction I wanted after a period where I just wasn't interested. I was (am?) part of a Jojo roleplay group that was a great comfort to me after the accident. I tried to run a reverse bang kind of thing but it didn't exactly go according to plan, probably because I don't know how to Tumblr. The Mindcrack community I run became the giant fanfiction hub and spawned Skype chats and roleplays and a Minecraft server and it's overwhelming but also beautiful.

I liked things but haven't seriously entered their fandoms yet. Maybe I just need an "in", and maybe you are that "in". Pacific Rim (the only movie I saw in theaters this year), Attack on Titan, Free!, Welcome to Night Vale. Probably more things that I am forgetting. I also really like PBS Idea Channel. Really really.

I lost weight. Over thirty pounds. I'm still considered 'overweight' but it's very close, and honestly at this point I don't care anymore. I still don't really, honestly care for exercise, whether it be weight training, bodyweight strength training, or cardio. I want to find more exercise that has a serious, honest-to-god gamification component, yet is solo instead of team-based and I can train for myself. I don't know. I like my body, I don't care where my body goes from here as long as I maintain it and stay healthy somehow.

I had also continued growing my roguelike fervor and finally got the discipline to Let's Play regularly. I made a series about UI and ASCII despite knowing nothing about graphic design. I somehow became a regular of my favorite podcast in the fucking world and interact with my idols as if they are just my friends, and I guess they are. I was one of the most enthusiastic supporters of a project that just wrapped up its Kickstarter and I believe in it and its maker so much.

Adam continues to be the best. Adam is almost done with his Master's and will drive back to Tampa at the end of September. Adam's nails are painted but he refuses to see my parents while they're painted. It makes me angry at the world.

I was probably depressed for most of July. Never got formally tested. Sometimes I still feel that overwhelming desire to do nothing and be nothing, but it's quieter now.

All of this is burying the lede, really. I'm moving back to Palm Bay on Monday. I have a job interview here in NY in nine hours, another in Florida next Wednesday, and no clue where my life is going to go. If I get the New York job I may be back very soon. If I get the Florida one I may not be back for a very long time, if ever.

I own so much stuff and I have to decide what to get rid of and what to leave behind and what to beg Adam and/or my family to take with them in the future. HOW THE FUCK DO I OWN SO MUCH STUFF.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel elated. I feel like I am finally clawing out of the fog. But the fog is familiar, and sometimes even kind. It feels strange to leave it.

Kawa's Guide to Nail Care
generic human hero

This is what works for me, and has worked for the past two years or so. I don't have the best nails in the world but they're definitely strong and grow fairly long without too many breaks or other problems. Obviously your mileage will vary as your body is different from mine, but I hope this will be a good starting point!

Also, it's stupidly long and there's no pictures, just links. (I don't guarantee the links are to the cheapest prices of these products on the Internet, either.) Sorry about that, it's just what was easiest for me to whip up. I hope you like it anyway.
Read more...Collapse )

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

everything is changing
generic human hero
Starting with me.

As I posted on Tumblr:

So yeah, this is a thing and it’s happening.

I’m overweight, weak, and essentially jobless. This is not me hating/shaming myself, it’s pure medical and financial fact. To reach the things I really want in life, I need to change all of that. I’ll be posting over in this thing every day and working on these goals until I get there.

Not all of you are going to support me on my way there, and that’s okay. Not all of you are going to agree that my goals are worthy. But if you’re willing to root for me and support me as I try to change my life for the better, I’d really appreciate it.

Being in better shape and having a job that fits the work I’ve put into my life so far: these don’t invalidate me as a woman, as a geek/nerd/otaku, or as a person. I still love all the things I love, I still am the person I am. I’m just evolving. This is going to take a lot of work: but instinctively, I feel it’s going to be worth it.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

I'm alive!
generic human hero
(oh my god I'm doing these again omgwtfbbq)

Fic stuff: Gigantic apologies to [ profile] MsCongeniality and [ profile] windfallswest, who both wrote me shiny and beautiful Ghost in the Shell fanfics: the first a happy Yuletide fic about Tachikoma sentience and the second a lovely fill-in-the-canon piece with all the things I have ever wanted. GitS is a difficult and insane fandom to write for, I know that, and I haven't shown either of you nearly enough love. So, love! <3

I wrote some Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind post-movie fic for [ profile] lastwingedthing for said Yuletide. It's short, but I'm mighty proud of it.

Footie: oh my god I actually watched (half of a) game today, the first leg of Bayern vs. Arsenal. It feels strange and good to be watching again, but I just don't know if I have the energy to throw my heart into it the way I used to. Such a strange and fickle thing, my emotions are when it comes to footie. I wish some of the old communities I used to be part of were still active and glorious the way they were when I was in grad school; that would definitely help me feel rooted in it. Oh well.

Real life: My old project got dropped so I'm no longer working that desk job and now am tutoring again. I'm still looking for a Real Job (tm) and still making LPs and occasionally watching them, though now that I no longer work a desk job it's harder to find the time to just watch them when I could be doing other things. Valentine's Day was belated and involved authentic Sichuan cuisine, nom nom nom. We're in the middle of a lot of changes in our lives, and sometimes it's hard but mostly it's okay because we have each other.

Things to post later: 100 things when the current season of anime ends (Psycho Pass, Robotics;Notes, Magi, and [of all the things in the world] so many feelings about Jojo's Bizarre Adventure) plus Minecraft, Tales of Maj'Eyal, and a few baby roguelikes too.

EDIT: oh god I got a Tumblr. Add me, I guess? Not sure why I did, but it might be an interesting ride.

This post was originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment wherever you prefer.

pieces worth picking up
red card homophobia
Currently in Tampa, with Adam and brothers and figuring out what the hell happens next in my life.

The not for profit I work for has run out of money so I will be leaving that project in January. Might be tutoring again. Who even knows?

Shit that needs to happen:

* fixing my social skill deficiencies. I don't "do" such basic things as small talk and eye contact and really simple things to take care of myself and it HAS TO CHANGE. My "fight or flight" reaction to uncomfortable social situations is "flight" 99% of the time and that's really really goddamn sad and it's why I feel uncomfortable talking outside the Internet. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE AND I CAN CHANGE IT.
* figuring out what I want to do with myself instead of the million things I don't want to do (and that list has grown to include "be an actuary", which is kind of shitty right now! But every actuary community I've been part of has felt like witnessing a pack of wolves ready to eat each other alive. Maybe this is only true on the Internet, where everyone is trying to sell me something? But my gut instinct says it's more than that. AUGH.) ... oh and then making it happen so that I can finally FINALLY get out of my parents' hair and live my own goddamn life
* fixing my appearance to the outside world. START CARING ABOUT THIS SHIT. Get rid of the facial acne scars (alpha hydroxy acids, sunscreen, and time - or maaaybe chemical peels if I can afford them and they won't interfere with my eczema?), lose the excess weight (cardio, balanced and regular free weights, "eat food; not too much; mostly plants", more proper sleep cycles, and time), figure out a nice haircut, invest in good makeup for appropriate occasions, perhaps invest in a sassier and more awesome wardrobe.
* balance the fandom things. Still want to LP regularly and write fanfiction now and then but it cannot consume me (and I can LP in advance which is nice).
* invest in my other hobbies again; start folding origami seriously again; cook for myself more, maybe even bake for work before it's too late for that. stop being afraid of messing up the kitchen; it's yours as much as it's your parents', and frankly they'll appreciate not always doing the work.
* do more than spin my wheels in my relationship; give talent alongside time and treasure

Some good news:

Yuletide! And my very belated fandom_helps thing. Which means: GHOST IN THE SHELL FANFICTION EXISTS NOW. This is the sight of one Kawa crying happy tears!! Maybe next year I'll get my Math Girls fanfic, but THIS IS GOOD TOO.
Things I got for Christmas: nice clothes for work, beautiful jewelry, random kitchen stuff, and money to pay for my trip here. Also the confidence to deal with my in-laws and my introversion/anxiety. These are all good things.


we interrupt this hiatus for a few public announcements
generic human hero
I am putting these out there mostly so I'll be held to them.

I am going to write fanfiction about fatherhood, which is something I can't experience yet but want to empathize with. I also will participate in Yuletide 2012.

I am going to put out a Let's Play of Faster than Light at least once a week. Here's the first episode, in fact.

Also, and here's the doozy: I am going to take the P/1 Society of Actuaries/Casualty Actuarial Society exam on Friday, January 11, 2013.

oh god.

Blue is the color!
juan can haz a hat

And yes, that"s with American spelling.Collapse )


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